Anxiety is super hard
Good morning world. I am doing my favorite Sunday and sitting at the Lincoln Perk and drinking a pumpkin spice latte (yes, I am one of those girls. I am not wearing uggs though). I like to come here and blog on the weekends. But turns out, writing feels like a struggle today. Maybe I should power chug this coffee.
Wake up, Anna.
Okay, let's go
I didn't blog last weekend. It was a hard couple of days. Because of my insurance, I was off of my anxiety medication for a little over a week at the beginning of the month. Whoa. That was TERRIBLE. For one thing I was consistently dizzy for 5 days. as my body went through drastic withdrawal. (I didn't realize right away it was connected with this and thought I was dying or something). Secondly, I am a very anxious person; so I was a complete mess. I am finally back on it (and hopefully my doctor's office, insurance provider and pharmacy won't get their wires crossed again). But the thing with this medication is that it takes time to build up in your system. So last weekend, life was too hard to write. Life felt completely meaningless. This weekend, I am feeling great or at least more stable.
For some reason, I don't like to idea of needing to take medication every day to feel like I can fully function. But I need to let go of that stigma. It's not a bad thing. Living as a person who has anxiety, being able to use medication to "level me out" is really a blessing. I don't like crying every day. Instead, I like sitting and drinking coffee and enjoying the moment, instead of questioning the meaning of life and being nervous about it.
Another issue with not being on anxiety medication is that I am so fidgety, I have all this nervous energy running through me that it's hard to sit still at work and focus on my tasks. I've also been struggling though my daily meditation on my Headspace app. But I keep trying hard to keep that habit up. Yikes, quieting the mind is super hard. SUPER HARD. Did I mention it's super hard?
But I really do like this Headspace app. It has taught me that it's important for me to change my relationship with anxiety. I am trying to not think of myself as an anxious person, but rather a person who sometimes has anxiety. Having anxiety is not a key qualifier for who I am.
The app also mentions that there are two ways people experience anxiety. The difference is like watching a storm from a window safely in your house verses being out in the middle of the storm. Changing the relationship with anxiety moves us from outside in the storm to inside watching it. Let me tell you, I am generally out in the thick of the storm. But now that I am aware of the differences, I am hoping that eventually I can move inside the house and disconnect from that anxiety on some level. The mind is a really tricky thing.
Speaking of being nervous, I am going to the neurosurgeon on Tuesday to talk about my back problems. (I am not convinced I want to get surgery, but I just want to hear what they think. Ironically, my pain has felt more manageable now that I stopped going to the chiropractor every week), Anyway, I am nervous about going, about whether or not it's the right choice.
I am also going to Haiti in a little over a week. It's going to be a really good trip. It's all the pre-trip unknowns that cause my travel anxiety to raise it's ugly head.
So I have a couple of upcoming opportunities to name my anxiety and try and deal with it in a more "outside looking in" way. It's going to be hard, super hard. But I don't want anxiety to define me or keep me from doing things. I don't want to be the type of person who only appreciates thing in retrospect.
We'll see how it goes.