It feels hard coming back to this blog right now. I am sure I could come up with lots of excuses. Including, but not limited to the following:
- It's suddenly fall outside. (I am even busted my space heater out today)
- I had to travel for work last week. (I have another one coming up next week).
- I attended an anti-racism training this past weekend and now fully aware that everything sucks. A lot. (And if I let that slip from my mind, I realize that I can do that because of my white privilege. So I am not exactly sure how to be right now).
- It's been an emotionally stressful past 6 weeks because of the accident and that stress manifests itself in my relationship with my boyfriend, for obvious reasons.
- It's the end of the month/beginning of the month. So I am stressed about money.
- There's a lot of good things on Netflix and HuluPlus
However, all of them boil down to me feeling zero percent creative. That plus fall traveling for work makes a zero blog post atmosphere in my life.
Ultimately, I keep this blog for me. So I should not care if I suddenly stop posting. Right?
The thing is that I want to be a writer. So why does it feel impossible to actually sit down and write, even something as rambling as a blog post. If I cannot even do this, than how will I ever have the energy or motivation to try and write for real?
I think in previous years, at this time of year, I have blamed the lack of creativity on the dying world outside. That might be true. (Or what little creative energy remains in me is all directly towards pumpkin baked goods. For example, I just pulled pumpkin cookies out of the oven. (I took the day off today)).
I know I am not the best at pushing myself and I know that I have never really been able to real multitask. I have never been the person who thrives or enjoys being involved in one major thing at a time. For example, even though I dabbled in clubs and extracurricular activities in college, by the time my senior year came around, I had eventually pulled out of everything because all I felt like I had energy for was my classes. I didn't want to be distracted. Now, that feels true when it comes to making space for creative writing and photography. With photography specifically, I feel as if I am at a point where I cannot justify investing in it unless I dive all in and try and make real money off of it. Since I currently have a full time job, that feels really impossible to me right now. (Only this time, I would be happy to be distracted from work, it's just I am really tired during my down time).
I don't know how to end this blog post about not writing blog posts. I guess just with the hope that since I have been anticipating fall for awhile, (I think it's finally time to rip up the tomatoes in the garden), the changing of the seasons will actually inspire me, not add to the deep summer hibernation I was already in last month.