You can be brave, Scoots

My sister and brother-in-law have this dog named Scooter. He’s pretty adventurous – ready to take off whenever given the opportunity (which he will then use to pee on every available tree in the neighborhood. But there is one thing that Scooter does not like – the laundry room. He hates it. He does not like furnace noise at night or the sound of the clothes being washed and dried. Unfortunately for him, that is where Leah and Jeron keep his food and water.  It might be his dinner time or he might be super thirsty after coming back from a bike ride, but if there is lots of strange noises coming out of that laundry room he will not go in there. Or he will grab a bite and come back into the living room to chew it. Often, we tell him, “You can be brave Scoots.”

He doesn’t seem to get that his fear is irrational.

Lately, we have been taking these words more to heart as I constantly remind myself (with additional reminders from my sister too), that yes, I can be brave too. I know, this little self talk seems a little silly. But the reality of it is that I have a lot of irrational fears, not just while staying in my particular neighborhood, but in life in general.

Today my fears were once again brought back up to the surface. And actually I am not exactly sure what those fears are exactly – maybe because of my gender, or the fear of getting robbed. Regardless, I felt them today as I walked around my neighborhood here in East Garfield Park.  It’s been a weird day.

This morning I actually started the day off by seeing my own fears in front of my face. I was running to work today at 6am and this guy (who was white) stopped me. I still am very unsure of his story but what I could finally gather is that he rather lost of got his wallet stolen and was trying to get to the south shore line so he could get back to school.  (Apparently he had been in the city for his birthday). The guy I saw him talking to must’ve taken him to the green line stop a few yards away, which was helpful on some level. It took a few minutes before it became clear that he was trying to ask for money without asking for it. I had no idea how long this guy had been wondering around the city. How he ended up in this area is beyond me. Anyhow, the point of this is that he was freaking out. He didn’t want to be walking around this rough neighborhood. I kindly reminded him that it was 6 in the morning and that he was going to be fine. I told him that I didn’t have any money on me but pointed him towards the lake and said that maybe if he started walking that way he’d find more people who could help him.

Now, I am sure if I had no money and was trying to get out of a strange city, I’d panic too. But as I watched this guy continue to walk south instead of east even after I told him which way to go, I couldn’t help but think how our fear often keeps us from doing rational things (like going in the direction of the train station). For a second, I was able to step out of myself and see this.

But it didn’t last long. Later in the day I went out and about. Now, as I was walking back down the street near our house I find myself sweating a little more. Usually it’s fine. People typically leave me alone or just acknowledge me in a fairly friendly way. Today though things seemed way more intense. There are a lot of men around my age or so that hang out on the street corners, which is fine – until I have to walk through them as they all stop and watch me. Oh man, do I feel super uncomfortable. And then today I am pretty sure someone mentioned to me that he had some really nice dope. Awesome. And then about 3 minutes after that a cop stopped me asked if I had seen a man chasing a woman around with a brick. Awesome. He then proceeded to ask me what I was doing in this neighborhood. When I told him I lived here he couldn’t really believe it. He told me he though I shouldn’t be here and when I said that I’d be fine he responded, “I hope so.” I know this man only said this to me because I am white. (Ironically though, the cop was possibly Hispanic). And after my walk home was coming to an end, it was enough to make me freak out a little bit. Okay. A lot.

Awesome.

I know there is a healthy balance between not living in fear and not living in ignorance but I have yet to fine the harmony in that. It’s also been hard that my schedule doesn’t often line up with those I work with or live with so I have a ton of down time that I want to use exploring the city. Alone. This has been pretty hard. I like having a buddy. Not only because of the “Strength in numbers” factor but also it’s easier to enjoy the city when you have someone with you.

Needless to say, today was a fairly hard day – wondering why in the world I am even here. And I have to remind myself – just like we have to remind Scooter, that yes, I can be brave.

Right now, however, it doesn’t really feel like it.