crossroads
I feel like I keep waiting for my life to start.
This is a terrible mindset because, of course, my life is happening right now. I know this. At least in theory.
But here I am at Eli's again, looking out the window, trying to suck out any remains of what is left of my blended cocoa, and feeling like my life is at a crossroads. Not that this is helpful thinking at all. It puts too much pressure on me to "choose the right thing."
whatever that means.
My "Morton commitment" is technically only for this month. And like all things in my life, I might not have a plan for the entire year but I at least have the next step (or options for the "next step").
I might have mentioned this before but when my sister, brother-in-law, and I were at our cousin's graduation there was this kid in a wheelchair who was also graduating. In order for his wheelchair to move with ease across the football field to the stage, two volunteers had to move two huge pieces of plywood - one in front of the other. It was a very slow process. (We found ourselves wondering why they didn't get more plywood and more volunteers). Obviously, this graduate made it to the front, it just took him a long time.
Leah likes to use this as an analogy for my life. I don't need to have things "figured out," I just need to figure out the next "plywood step."
She's right. I know this. But I also know that whatever is the next small step will eventually shape the next one and the one after that. So every time a new option presents itself, I find myself thinking, "is this the kind of life I want to lead?"
These small steps aren't even "life committal" type of things. Yet, most of this comes down to my desire to live in the south. Even though this is what I want to do, I am very good at making this not happen. I also desire stability. And the ability to be able to provide and take care of myself, without having to rely on my family to help me out so I don't have to choose between food, shelter, or making my monthly loan payments. (and the desire to plant stuff in the ground and harvest and can it in the fall).
None of these desires seem very viable in my life right now. That is what is frustrating to me.
I'm tired of sleeping on futons and having my stuff in three different states.
I'm fine not having some major life plan. Seriously. I think I would get bored after year five. I just want to be able to have a stable enough income that can support a stead supply of mocha, buy a bike, and locally raised foods. I want to be able to hang my art on the wall. I want to can some applesauce for the winter and maybe even go on a date every once in a while. I would like to actually start writing again instead of spending every minute on my computer looking for jobs.
That's basically it.
And I am not convinced any of my next "plywood step" options will lead to any of this.
This is a terrible mindset because, of course, my life is happening right now. I know this. At least in theory.
But here I am at Eli's again, looking out the window, trying to suck out any remains of what is left of my blended cocoa, and feeling like my life is at a crossroads. Not that this is helpful thinking at all. It puts too much pressure on me to "choose the right thing."
whatever that means.
My "Morton commitment" is technically only for this month. And like all things in my life, I might not have a plan for the entire year but I at least have the next step (or options for the "next step").
I might have mentioned this before but when my sister, brother-in-law, and I were at our cousin's graduation there was this kid in a wheelchair who was also graduating. In order for his wheelchair to move with ease across the football field to the stage, two volunteers had to move two huge pieces of plywood - one in front of the other. It was a very slow process. (We found ourselves wondering why they didn't get more plywood and more volunteers). Obviously, this graduate made it to the front, it just took him a long time.
Leah likes to use this as an analogy for my life. I don't need to have things "figured out," I just need to figure out the next "plywood step."
She's right. I know this. But I also know that whatever is the next small step will eventually shape the next one and the one after that. So every time a new option presents itself, I find myself thinking, "is this the kind of life I want to lead?"
These small steps aren't even "life committal" type of things. Yet, most of this comes down to my desire to live in the south. Even though this is what I want to do, I am very good at making this not happen. I also desire stability. And the ability to be able to provide and take care of myself, without having to rely on my family to help me out so I don't have to choose between food, shelter, or making my monthly loan payments. (and the desire to plant stuff in the ground and harvest and can it in the fall).
None of these desires seem very viable in my life right now. That is what is frustrating to me.
I'm tired of sleeping on futons and having my stuff in three different states.
I'm fine not having some major life plan. Seriously. I think I would get bored after year five. I just want to be able to have a stable enough income that can support a stead supply of mocha, buy a bike, and locally raised foods. I want to be able to hang my art on the wall. I want to can some applesauce for the winter and maybe even go on a date every once in a while. I would like to actually start writing again instead of spending every minute on my computer looking for jobs.
That's basically it.
And I am not convinced any of my next "plywood step" options will lead to any of this.
Sounds reasonable enough...hope it comes to you soon.
ReplyDeleteAnna, my friend, almost every time I read one of your blog posts, I find myself thinking, "whoa. story of my life." If you're going to be in hesston at all within the next 9 months, come find me. We will get some mocha.
ReplyDelete