try, try again

I needed a photo for this blog post so I stole this from Levent who is in snowy Colorado right now

I'm trying to get back into writing. It's been a really long time. And maybe this isn't the right time since February is now here and any energy I have for anything is buried under the snow. But I will always have my excuses. It's time to try to be a writer once more.

And I don't just mean blogging. I mean the creative stuff that I literally haven't opened since 2011. I stopped trying back then. I got too discouraged.

This was back in the day when I was new to Kansas, working in a coffee shop, trying to get rid of the emotional baggage that I had brought with me in my post-college, post-South Africa life. Struggling writer, working in a coffee shop, while trying to get published. Sounds so quaint right?

Wrong.

It was hell.

I stopped writing and submitting because the darkness of getting rejected and rejected and rejected took over me.

I know. It's part of the processes. But no matter how many times I hear this, it does not make it any easier. No one told me that trying to break into a creative field was going to cause me so much depression. Maybe I just don't have tough enough skin for this.

So I bowed out for awhile.

My sister told me the other week that it was time to start trying again. If there is any one who believes in me 100%, it's my sister. She has been awesome. And for once in my life I think I believe in my story once again. But trying to find someone in the industry who also believes in it (or will actually even read it) feels the same as putting it in a glass bottle and chucking it in ocean.

I started looking at children's book literary agents again this afternoon and even after only an hour or so I felt that same darkness creeping back. It takes so much energy just to browse the web or to try and compose the shortest, yet most engaging email to someone from whom I will never hear back.

How do I find the motivation to not be so defeated about this? How do I even know where to start?

But I know that I don't want to be the person who never tries. Even if I fail, at least I attempted something. But I also know that I need help. I need people to keep me accountable and to tell me that I am not a failure even when I get nothing back.

This is my cry for help. This is my plea to whatever community out there that reads these posts. Please don't let the darkness gobble me whole.

Really, I know it will get me some times but I feel like I am in a way better place now than I was in 2011. Besides, I have this baby light to come and cheer me up (and my sister too).

So here we go. Let's try, try again.