March Madness.

Yep. It's that time of year is finally here. It's great, since I love the NCAA March Madness tournament so much. However, if we are talking about mental health, March Madness certain seems appropriate as well. It's been a rough weekend.

The thing is, this weekend had no reason to be a challenge one. My anxiety and OCD levels were just high and I was struggling to deal with it.

In hindsight, all the things that trigger my anxiety and what I get OCD about are beyond ridiculous. Case and point: yesterday, I made a ton of food in preparation for my sister coming. In all of my kitchen flurry, I managed to make a bad batch of raspberry cream cheese brownies. It completely ruined my entire day. (And poor Levent has to deal with my irrational obsessions). I could not get over it or stop thinking about it.

Example number two, I have a very weird/nervous relationship with gardening. It's supposed to be something I enjoy doing, right? Yes. But why then does it cause me such anxiety? I become obsessive about it. I literally have to give myself constant pep talks throughout the day, telling myself I am only going to do garden activity 1 and garden activity 2 today - and that's it. And that's fine. But I keep obsessing, thinking I need to be doing the whole thing RIGHT NOW. It's sunny outside and I put so much pressure on my to constantly be outside, even if what I really want to be doing is being inside baking or reading my book while sipping iced coffee. It's an endless cycle.

I feel like I failed yesterday. Not because of my kitchen blunders or my lack of planting, but because I let my anxiety get the best of me. I didn't do my breathing exercises; I just shoved my anxiety down and then it eventually came bursting out of me in the evening, driving me to my medication.

I really hate feeling crazy.

I am doing better today, for the most part. I decided bad brownies aren't the end of the world. (We can just scrap off the bad part. Besides, 1/2 priced milkshakes have started at Sonic after 8pm. Hooray summer). I also decided that I am not going to plant potatoes this year. If my garden is going to drive me to madness, I need to seriously cut back.

After I accepted these things today, my obsessions don't feel, well quite like obsessions. I even decided to go and get the rest of the dirt needed for my garden box and plant some lettuce and onions. Not because I felt an insane need to do so, but because I wanted to be outside and I wanted to move some dirt around for a couple of minute.

Next weekend, I will focus on my plot at the community garden, but wait until Good Friday (which I have off from work) to do any major gardening projects over there. I don't want to spend this entire spring being crazy and thus being miserable. This is my plan and I am sticking to it.

My sister once told me to "live in the moment" just like their dog Scooter. It is my hope that my garden can eventually become something that teaches me to do just that, instead of driving me to madness.

Here's to hoping.