A little bit of everything from the week.

Instead of landing on a topic for this post, I'm pretty much just going to cover a little bit of everything from this week. This is maybe the worst way to use a blog, but I want to crank this post out and get back to the daunting task of photo editing on a dinosaur mac.

The Funeral
I was in Illinois this past weekend and came back to Kansas on Monday. (I took my cousin's wedding photos last Saturday, hence the photo editing). Unfortunately, Levent's grandma Miller passed awhile while I was out of state. However, this did mean that his siblings were traveling to Kansas the same day I was heading home. We met up at a Starbucks near Kansas City and drove the rest of the way together. Really, the only highlight of a funeral is getting to see family on a random Wednesday. Levent went to go surprise his family a couple of weekends ago and I was super bummed I couldn't go with him. Despite the really sad situation, I was happy to be able to see his entire family this week, at least for a little bit. (Wednesday, the day of the funeral, was a cultural experience for me, since most of Levent's extended family is Beachy Amish/conservative Mennonite). And I am not going to lie, I spent a lot of that time trying to figure out all the different types of head coverings present).

The Chiropractor
The leg/back saga continues. 2 weeks ago, when I had an exceptionally awful weekend spent in pain, I decided to try a different chiropractor and see if that didn't help. Even though I cried my eyes out in front of a strange, male doctor on my first visit (it was a rough day), I am glad I am giving chiropractor care another shot. It does seem to be helping to manage my pain somewhat. It's been extremely frustrating hearing 5 different things from 5 different doctors and I am trying not to be too optimistic because I was optimistic with everything else I was trying. Still, this feels promising. He took an x-ray of my back and showed me that my left hip is significantly lower than my right hip and that one of my vertebrae is not where it should be (meaning it's twisting and pinching my nerves, shooting pain down my leg). So do I have arthritis or even a degenerative condition in my back?  I honestly have no clue. Probably somewhat. But I really hope that I can get my bones back in place so I don't wake up every morning and wonder how bad my leg is going to ache that day. Also, I am running out of money.

The worst
Work has been pretty challenging for me right now, not my work load, but mostly the lack thereof. There are some changes coming to our region and in the national office that is going to make my work load less, or at least changing it. It's been pretty discouraging (and was also a reason I cried at the Chiropractor office. I had a really deflating day at work then). I'm also in a weird place right now because of my back and I am trying not to travel very much. This feels impossible and/or makes being efficient at my job impossible. That's not a very good feeling. Bad days at the office often lead to a whole spiral of thought, i.e. "should I still be doing this job since I physically and emotionally cannot handle it?," "since my job is one of the main reasons I have been content staying in Kansas, does that mean that we should start thinking of moving?", "but what else would I do?" 'Do I even have marketable skills?"

See? It's a whole thing.

It got especially worst this week when I found out via the Executive Director of our entire organization that a male consistent (who is also a pastor btw) told him that I am not "robust enough to deal with strong women" who make up a particular constituent Thrift Shop. ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME? Oh I was pissed and really upset about it. (I still am) And while my organization, including the Executive Director, told me that they do not agree with this, it still felt like a slap in the face. While this is the first time I've had seen sexism so directly expressed towards me, it is not the first time I've been in a situation where I've had a  hard time doing my job because I am not taken seriously as a young woman. (For real, I've been asked if I am my colleagues' wife (yes plural) in professional settings).

After I read this particular email I cried, and then got mad at myself for "not being strong enough." But that's bull shit (as my sister so correctly reminded me later).  I am not going to let them get to me, even if this whole situation has rattled my confidence. I am a woman. I can be strong and still express emotions even if that means I need to take a cry break every once in awhile. We have a very nice trail that runs behind our office. So why not use it for cry breaks? Done and done, now to shut these hatters up.

I love looking outside my back door at my garden. So far, it still looks lovely. Even though the wind completely destroyed half of one of my potted begonia's (it blew it over, crushing half of the flowers), and a baby bunny was living in my onion patch, things continue be growing like crazy. The spinach is over (meaning it was going to seed and I pulled it up) and I have thus replaced that space with some zinnia seeds. Today, I also picked a few green beans. (I'll probably have to wait awhile before I actually have enough for a meal though). I even had enough basil to make pesto this weekend. And! my tomatoes are tall and lush and so healthy looking. I feel so proud of them. I cannot wait to be eating more veggies straight from my backyard.
This is not the crushed begonia plant. This begonia plant is looking marvelous 

It's been a long week. And this coming week I turn 29. For that reason alone (yep, I one of those annoying white girls who loves their birthday), I hope the week is a little bit more upbeat.