Another work trip later

Well, I did it. I survived yet another work trip. Really, there was never any real doubt, just a ton of anxious doubt clouding my worldview. You know the drill. In all of my panic stricken worries, I still manage to be a fully capable person. I just often forget this.

Overall the trip went fine. I met with people I needed to meet with and thankfully they were all very friendly and easy to relate with. On paper, I have no idea why these donor visit trips cause me to loose my mind. It's fine. They're fine. I'm fine. It's all fine. But that's not how my body experiences this part of my job.

Thankfully, all the things I made sure to have in place worked out really well. I took care of myself. I made sure to do some yoga and went for a walk. I used my meditation app, Headspace, before I went to bed (and went to bed at like 8:30). I didn't eat fast food once and spent a lot of time at Panera bread. I made sure to see the mountains. I got a whole bunch of snacks at Trader Joe's. I colored in my down time. I stayed at one place the whole time and it was the best. (I really like airbnb).

Still, all these self-aware, self-care things I do (and medication I take) completely take away the anxiety. My stomach was upset off and on. Even though I was in the mountains, my sinuses came pouring out of my eye sockets. (Sorry that's super gross). And my sciatica was really inflamed when I got back from all the driving (plus spending so much time in fight or flight mode).

I know that anxiety is something I will always have to manage but this recent work trip has made me start thinking about my end game here. I am not sure I can do this part of my job anymore. It is way too taxing on my entire life. That's a scary thought. If I can no longer do this part of my job, what does that mean? Do I need to quit? And if so, what in the world would I do next? Ah! All the things! But that was honestly part of my mantra to get myself through this last string of donor visits. I kept telling myself "this might be the last time I have to do this." That thought alone was amazingly helpful, even if it might not be fully realistic.

I am not planning on doing anything drastic any time soon but this trip did motivate me to perhaps have some more intentional conversations with the powers that be at work. My position is in transition anyway, maybe I can figure out a way to use that for the benefit of my mental health.

Wish me luck.