Finding balance and other such rants

Balance. This is something at which I am not very good. Dang it's hard. And I know as 29 year old I should beyond saying this, but being an adult is super hard. You have to constantly call people on the phone. It's the worst.

Okay, I know. Using the phone as an actual phone is not a real problem. But this month I've felt really annoyed by this. I am constantly needing to call various doctors or chiropractors or auto places. I am so tired of it!

My pain anniversary (or painiversary) is coming up, marking a whole year of being in more or less consistent discomfort. Awesome. I spend 1/4 of my monthly income on trying to manage this pain and I still have not gotten my medical bills from March. (Is this a normal thing?). This stresses me out, which is ironic since I think a lot of my pain is caused by stress and anxiety. It's a never ending cycle.

I have not found the balance in my finances when it comes to my leg issues. How much should I be doing if I am feeling the same as I did several months ago? I've cut down to just going to the chiropractor once a week instead of 2-3 times. Instead, I've been trying to get more deep tissue massages and teach my muscles how to stay in a relaxed state. That has not been a cheap or easy alternative. All this to say, I am not really sure how to move forward.

And let me just say that it does not help to have medical professionals belittle me. My nurse practitioner won't take my allergy problems serious because I have a cat and she clearly hates cats and my chiropractor does not believe that I have bad anxiety problems.

Let me tell you, I do a lot of self-reflection. In all of my issues, not knowing myself is not one of them. I make a huge effort to be self-aware. I am not allergic to my cat. I grew up with a cat. If I allergic to cats, I think I would've known that a long time ago. How dare you. My cat is amazing. And how do you know my anxiety is not a real thing? You're not the one who has to live with it. I am not a child. Good grief.

I know. I need to find new medical professionals. Yet, living in a small town makes this really challenging.

Okay, let me back up. That was a huge rant I did not mean to go on. I wanted to use this space to talk about balance, find balance in my leg care, in my anxiety management, in my financial management (and wanting to make smart decision but also wanting to enjoy life) and in health and personal well-being. This has been overwhelming me. So much so that I am debating whether or not to spend money on a plane ticket to Asheville just so I can have my mom cook for me. (Also, I miss my family).

The only thing I've figured out is to just try and focus on one day at a time. How can I make today a good day? Obviously, this is easier to do on the weekends, but it's something. So yesterday I drove to Wichita and got a deep tissue massage like a baller and it was amazing. Then I came home and made an Italian cream cake even though I am trying to eat healthier. For whatever reason, cake baking has become my ultimate joy in life. So I keep making them and try to share them with lots of people, mostly my co-workers, so Levent and I don't eat the whole thing ourselves. Baking a cake, but not eating it for breakfast feels like balance. Right? Today, I walked up to the perk for morning coffee and blogging space and this afternoon I plan do enjoy my other favorite hobby these days, painting prairie wildflowers on cards. It's lovely.

Because of this mindset, it's been a good weekend. I did not spent my whole weekend cleaning and "going crazy" (meaning forgetting to relax). I think I've been doing better at this, at least one the weekends. And hey, that's a start.