Notes from a recovering perfectionist

I finally started reading this book my sister gave me for my birthday over 2 years ago. (Sorry, Leah). I love to read, but I don't love reading nonfiction. They take me forever to get through (which is why I typically put them off). But in 2018, I decided this was the year to pick up "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown. 

I am about half way through it; so I am for sure not done unpacking it. But as I was reading this morning, enjoying my cup of coffee at the Perk, I realized I already had thoughts on thoughts on thoughts, which means it's a good time to drag out this dusty blog and get to writing.

For those of you who read my blog regularly will know that I am an anxious person. I no longer have to go on work trips that make me throw up from nervousness, but anxiety is still a part of my life. (Though, let's be clear, it's not a part of who I am). This book I am reading is all about vulnerability. I was especially challenged/inspired by the section about Perfectionism. The more I learn about anxiety, the more I unwrap about this strange thing that seems to lurk inside me. Being a perfectionist is often wrapped up in being an anxious person. But I didn't really realize that shame is also a part of this nervous package.

"Shame enters for those of us who experience anxiety because no only are we feeling fearful, out of control, and incapable of managing our increasingly demanding lives,  but eventually our anxiety is compounded and made unbearable by our belief that if we were just smarter, stronger, or better, we'd be able to handle everything."

Brown also goes on to talk about perfectionism and shame leads to disconnection.

"Numbing here becomes a way to take the edge off of both instability and inadequacy." 

It's hard to say whether allowing perfectionism to drive my life made me an anxious person, or if it's flipped, or if it's neither. It doesn't really matter. What matters now is that I know my need for perfection is a straight up lie. It blocks all my creative energy. Every week, I look forward to doing something creative on the weekend. But when the weekend actually arrives, I don't know what to paint or draw or write. So I just avoid it all together and spent way too much time watching Netflix.

I need to allow myself to make a whole bunch of mess, a whole bunch of nothing, a whole bunch of "art" that will just sit in my drawer until I eventually move again. That's okay. I need to let go of the idea that everything I create needs to be masterpieces. That's also been a real factor in creative writing for the past several years. I don't do it. I think I have to have my entire novel mapped out in order to start writing. What is my idea isn't good enough and I spend all that time for nothing? And what if I never start? Have I wasted my entire life?

It's a pretty nasty spiral. Perfection keeps me from even playing the game. I don't think I can do it, so why even try? I majored in creative writing in college, which, honestly I feel a little bit embarrassed to tell people that because the immediate question that follows is "what are you writing?"

The answer is: nothing.

The perfectionism in that answer makes me anxious.

But "Perfectionism is not the path that leads us to our gifts and to our sense of purpose; it's the hazardous detour." 

Here's what else Brown has to say about perfectionism*

Perfectionism is not...

1. the same thing as striving for excellence
2. self-improvement. At it's core, perfectionism is about earning approval
3. the key to success. In fact, it hampers achievement.
4. a way to avoid shame

Perfectionism is

1. self-destructive simply because perfection doesn't exist. 
2. addictive, because when invariablly do experience shame, judgement, and blame we often believe it's because we weren't perfect enough. 
3. actually setting us up to feel shame, judgement and blame

Perfectionism can be overcome by

1. self kindness. Being warm and understanding towards ourselves when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism
2. common humanity. suffering and inadequacy are part of the human experience
3. mindfulness. Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed or exaggerated. 

 Yeah. that's some hard stuff to overcome. But really, living with the constant battle for perfectionism is no way to live. In fact, it keeps me from living, from trying. I don't want to be like this. Perfectionism keeps me an anxious person, which is not actually who I am.

I want to practice these 3 things to help me recover from my life of perfectionism. I want to be kinder to myself. I want to allow myself to make a mess, to not be in perfect shape, to make lopsided cakes. To tell myself "I am enough." I want to own the fact that I am going to fail (and that I have already done so). I am going to slip up, people aren't going to like some of the things I do professionally or personally or both. That's fine. It doesn't change who I am at my core.

There is no perfect way to end this blog post. And that's okay too.



*This text is taken straight from Brown's writing. It is not my own work.