Why quitting "WW" was the healthiest thing I've ever done

I would never talk to someone the way my internal voice talks to me.

This is a pretty common experience, especially for women in Western culture. But recently, my internal voice has gotten really mean.

Let me back up.

I've never had a health relationship with exercise and body image.  For as long as I can remember I've been like this. However, it was really easy to ignore this negative voice in my 20s when I was running 5 times a week. It was easy to ignore when I started swimming and going to a cardio/strength classes.  My metabolism worked great and I ate as much ice cream as I wanted.

Then I *hurt my hip.

Suddenly, I couldn't run. I couldn't do anything that involved jumping (so my kickboxing and cardio x classes were out. So was zumba).  I no longer had a unshakeable exercise routine. I was also getting older. My body changed. I gained weight. And my internal bully got louder.

(*Turns out, I am pretty convinced my leg/hip pain is actually connected to stress and anxiety. But that's a different story)

Last spring, two of my colleagues decided to start doing weight watchers. Since I am easily influenced by others, I decided maybe I would give it a shot too. And I did. For 3 solid months I deprived myself and essentially was hungry all. the. time. My inner voice made me feel proud of myself for losing 10 pounds as if losing numbers increased my self-worth. But all the while, I was miserable. (And hungry).

One evening, I was crying on Levent's couch talking about how miserable I was and how hungry I was but I didn't know what I "could eat." Even though I met my original goal (losing 5 pounds), I had no idea how to quit. I would meet a goal and instantly push it further out. The thing with diets is that there isn't really a natural off ramp. They pitch it like it's a lifestyle. But what it really is restricted eating. Forever. Then you die. The end.

Levent, being the rational human that he is, just told me to quit.  So I finally did. My relationship with my body and food was so unhealthy that I couldn't even give myself permission to stop making myself miserable.

I quit and I was happier, at least, at first.

My colleague was (and maybe still is) doing weight watchers, almost a year later. (I've stopped asking her about it). While I realize her choices are not mine, it's been hard to not compare myself to her. I am such a perfectionist and I was the one who quit. She is "succeeding" and I was back to my pre-WW weight. And my self bully got real loud again. And I mean really loud. I would go to yoga, in front of floor to ceiling mirrors, and mentally beat the crap out of myself for the whole hour.

My inner voice is actually two-fold. One part of it is the rational side. The other is the anxiety-driven, mean girl. I remember one day last fall where the rational side was aware enough of the mean side that it counted the number of times in a day where I caught myself telling myself something negative about my body. (That particular day the total was around 11).  It was time to get my butt into therapy.

And I did. Thankfully my job allows me to have 4 free therapy sessions per year. At the end of 2018, I finally did the work it takes to get that set up and found someone who I actually liked talking to. (I had tried using this service before but did not like the therapist at all).

We had plenty of things to talk about, besides just body image. (Hello anxiety. And I am using my 4 free ones again this year with the same person which is awesome). But one thing that has really stood out to me is learning how to flip my internal conversations. Instead of turning myself into a mental punching bag for drinking one sugary coffee, I should instead imagine what this same situation from a friend's point of view. If a friend came to me very upset because they allowed themselves to drink a sugary coffee, I would be way more compassionate to them than I allow myself to be. I would tell her, it's okay. One sugary coffee isn't going to derail your pretty healthy lifestyle. And besides, you should enjoy your life. Your body is allowed to be itself. You are allowed to take up space. 

It's hard work. Flipping the narrative that we, especially woman, are told every single day is really hard work. It's unbelievably easy to get sucked back in. Since that's the case, I am trying really hard to build up a set of mental tools I can use to practice compassion to myself.

I am strong. 

The yoga mirror self talk is still real life. I typically enjoy using the mirrors in yoga because having proper form has been key in taking care of this (emotional) chronic pain I've been living with. But I still caught myself analyzing parts of my body that aren't as thin anymore.

In yoga, we are encouraged to set an intention for our practice. At first, I didn't really do this. But turn outs, it's really helpful in keeping myself focused. I often pick, "I am strong" as a way to remind myself that I am taking care of my body. It doesn't look the same as it did in my 20s (duh), but that's not bad. Plus, all the yoga and the seasonal swimming I've done have really improved my over all strength. I am strong. I am taking care of myself even if it looks different then before.

I am listening to my body. 

I recently stumbled upon the Instagram account of Tiffany Roe,  a therapist who focuses on positive body image and self care and intuitive eating. As ridiculous as this sounds, her instagram stories have really been helpful! Ive been learning about what diet-culture is and that we have the choice to reject those narratives. She has also taught me that while there are serious eating disorders, there is also a thing known as disordered eating. Disordered eating is a descriptive phrase, not a disorder. It includes things like guilt and shame over eating certain foods (and essentially having a really unhealthy relationship with food), using exercise as a way to compensate for over-eating or eating "poorly" and other factors.

Whoa. That's basically what I've been doing my entire adult life.

Her Instagram account has been so life giving to me lately. It has also motivated me to do things like ask the nurse at the doctor's office to not tell me what I weigh (which I did on Tuesday). Since this one simple thing of weight myself can completely derails my mental health, it's such an empowering thing to remember that I can advocate for myself.

She challenges me to rethink my relationship to "working out" (which is a term she hates). Her thing is all about motivation. I am trying to no longer "work out" so I can eat ice cream with less guilt. I am exercising because it helps manage my anxiety. It makes me feel good (afterwards at least) because I am taking care of myself. It gets me in the room with other humans. (I work on the internet and don't have a lot of real human interactions some days). I've just recently started going to this cardio/strength class again. I haven't allowed myself to do this for along time, basically because I cannot do most of the things "full out" and that can feel embarrassing and stupid.  But it's okay to modify things. I am showing up for myself and doing what I can.  Plus, it gets me into another class at the Y. And I really love exercise classes.

I am allowed to take up space. 

I am saying all these positive things, but know that it is a real struggle. This has been a reality for me right now as I work on wedding stuff. I realized yesterday why finding a dress feels like so much emotional work. And why something as simple as booking a hair appointment left me so emotionally distraught that my sister literally had to break into my email and book it for me.

For our entire lives, girls are feed this false narrative that one's wedding day is like our ultimate day. It's going to somehow be perfect and magical, but also the bride will "look like bride" (gasp) as if the essence of my beauty has been building up to this one party. I need to look my ultimate best, past, present and future, all in one moment.

That is a lot of a pressure.

And it's such bullshit.

This reality plus the fact that I haven't been feeling great about my body right now has left me crying on my kitchen floor more than once. I haven't figured out how to navigate this whole "bridal beauty" nonsense yet but I do keep reminding myself that I am allowed to take up space. The temptation for me to download that WW app again and lose 10 pounds before the wedding is SO STRONG. It's so powerful that I honestly don't know if I will be able to resist it or not.

But I am going to try my hardest. After all.

I am strong
I am enough
I am listening to my body
I am not listening to diet culture and diet bridal culture (which is totally a thing)
I am allowed to take up space
My body is allowed.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Plus, I am going to totally rock whatever dress I end up wearing for our party on August 3.

Diet culture is real. I give into it. I did with weight watchers. But quitting WW actually brought this mental un-health to the surface after a lifetime of festering. I am finding ways to be equipped to deal with it in healthy ways. I am certainly going to try at least.  Life is too miserable otherwise.