The Body Says No

 How do you stop feeling stressed?

I occasionally type that into Google just to see if there is another obvious tip I could try out. Tonight was one of those times and I was reminded yet again about how helpful journaling can be.  Hence, here I am. While this isn't exactly the same thing as journaling, I feel it counts on some level. Same idea, less screaming into the void.

I've been on a very slow discovery of what stress can do to one's body and how it can impact you in completely strange and bizarre ways. 

For years now I've had the on-again, off-again idea that maybe anxiety was causing my weird leg pain, leg pain that has been a mystery to me and to many doctors over the past few years. My brother-in-law was the one who actually got me thinking about this. During a high-stress time in his life, he was hospitalized because of severe arthritis. But then he got a life-coach, started meditating and no longer has issues with it. 

Since texting with him about that ever so briefly, I've had dozens of conversations with my psychologist cousin about this topic and even listen to part of the book The Body Says No, which is filled case studies about how stress, mental illness, trauma, etc became connected to later physical illnesses and ailments. While I never finished the audiobook (it became too scientific to hold my interest), It did remind me of how Western culture keeps the mind and the body separate. That is absolutely ridiculous since the mind is part of your body. You can't have one without the other. Yet, we constantly keep them a part. It feels a little "nuts" to wonder out loud if the real physical discomfort I've been having for years has actually been anxiety all along. Who knows.

The thing I've learned about mysterious chronic pain is that it humanizes doctors and health care professionals real fast. In my experience they either do not believe you (especially if you are a young woman) or admit to you that they don't really have a solution for you. It's not great. Even though I have ditched those people who didn't believe me (and openly sobbed in front of the ones who finally did), I still have no real idea what's been going on with my body. 

Last fall/winter I spent a lot of time and money once again trying to figure out what was wrong with (this time the right medical professionals). A new primary care provider, a sports orthopedic specialist, a weird side trip to my gynecologist, a new physical therapist, a few trips to my mental health therapist, two MRIs and two steroid epidurals later, there still seemed to be nothing really the matter with my leg/hip. Although, I did learn that I have tendency to get a herniated disc and my PT thinks that my muscles are just naturally tight. (So fun). At the end of all that, I came out where I have again in the past - I just give up. I get so sick of spending money and going to the constant appointments that it no longer seems worth it.

Even though I have really just decided to give up, it had been on my mind to maybe find a new therapist. (The one I had been seeing was fine but it felt like we had gone as far as we were going to go. I also knew I needed someone who specializes in anxiety and depression disorders). But, as per usual, I kept putting it off. 

Then COVID-19 came to live among us. (That bastard).

The thing about the global pandemic is that, oddly enough, my leg has consistently not been an issue for me these 6 months of quarantine. Weird, huh? So weird. Sure I have some bad days. After all, I still have some back issues and naturally tight muscles that I often forget to stretch. But overall, it hasn't been crazy. My mental health on the other hand has been all over the place. 

I often wonder if COVID is finally forcing me to feel my feelings, to stop trying to resist feeling anxious and just come to terms with what it means to live with high anxiety. It has not been easy. But the only way to get through is it get through it. 

And yet my body is finding ways to process stress in very strange, physical ways. 

(This is definitely too much information but it's been a very real part of my anxiety/covid health journey. So buckle up!) 

My periods have been beyond weird. My body is doing this thing that I think is called "flooding." (I had to do some googling in order to try and figure out how to tell my doctor what was happening). My gyno has no idea why that is happening to me nor does she have any idea why. When she told me that, all I could think of was the many conversations I've had over the years about my leg pain. It's not normal. But no one knows what is happening. So to sum up, my covid stress can literally be measured in blood. It started after covid hit after all.

And there's the bit about my hair falling out. Okay so this sounds extreme, but it really hasn't been as bad as that sounds. My hair gets tangly very easily. So combing through it and ending up with lots of hair on the comb is not abnormal. However, I finally got my hair cut on Friday and my hair stylist told me that it looked like I had lots some hair because there was new little hairs growing in. What. 

And, of course, we cannot forget about the stress weight gain. 

Ugh. (That's a whole other can of worms I'll save for a later post). 

This brings me back to googling how to stop feeling stress. Because the thing is, my body is clearly telling me that I am FREAKING OUT. But a good chunk of the time, I do not feel panic or even stress. For example, I am currently calmly and quietly blogging from the comfort of my bed while my cat Scout sleeps next to me. This is a nice moment. 

And yet, I cannot get my leg muscles to relax. There are times when I think I am dealing with my feelings but instead of anxiety popping up as leg pain, it just causes my hair to fall out or my period to be volcanic. 

It's an overwhelming notion that maybe my body does not know how to feel safe. 

Or maybe my body is loudly shouting NO! But I am don't understand what it is saying no to. 

I don't have a nice way to end this blog as this is a very real thing I am dealing with. So instead, I will share with you part of the list from the article "16 Simple Ways to Relieve Stress" and the things on here that I am doing. 

1. Exercise: This has been a tricky one because of COVID and my unhealthy relationship with my body. But I have been taking Tito on a walk to the dog park most week day mornings. Often, this is the best part of my day

2. Write it down: Hello blog. Hopefully I will try and be more intentional. But no promises. This is a global pandemic after all.

3. Laugh: Levent makes me laugh every day. It is a real gift. 

4. Take a yoga class: I've been using this virtual time we live in to take a few yoga classes from the studio/nonprofit I really love in Asheville. 

5. There is some mindfulness stuff on here that I would be lying if I said I have done them recently. I was really intentional at the beginning of COVID but have since fallen off the band wagon. Headspace is my favorite meditation app though if anyone is interested.

6. Spend time with your pet: Girl, that's all I do. 

How do you stop feeling stressed?