Dude, anxiety

Last weekend, I drove up to Kansas City to see Janice and the kids who were in the city for the ultimate VIP experience at Dude Perfect.

I actually had very little knowledge of what/who Dude Perfect was, but when I heard that Janice was making these plans in the summer when we were all in Virginia, I immediately inserted myself into the mix. I think I am just used to life on the great planes because Kansas City is basically coming to visit without coming to visit. (If you know what I mean). 3 hours? That's nothing.

It worked out that Janice had an extra ticket and extra space in their hotel rooms. So I ended up going to the show with them and hanging out with them until the next morning. (In preparation I did what is most definitely the nerdiest and elderly thing to do and listened to an interview with them and host Guy Ross. I could've just watched some of their videos. But actually, this way got me way more curious about them. I regret nothing). Honestly, I just wanted to go to spend some time with the kiddos and try harder to make an effort to be more of a literal presence in their lives. I actually think my favorite part of the evening was playing dutch blitz with the bigs (and Janice) at the hotel that night.

I am really glad I went.

That statement actually holds ways more weight than it should, or at least what it would have during the "before times."

I am actually really depressed. My mental health has been all over the place in these past covid days/years. Lately, it seems to have finally drifted to the bottom and I feel like I am in a slump I will never get out of. Like, is this just how I am now? 

In truth, I was really anxious to go by myself to Kansas City. It felt like my pre-medicated days of travel anxiety were back and that I forgot how to be in social situations. I used to drive all over this nation, but the ideal of driving myself up to Kansas, alone, well that about did me in.

That travel anxiety mixed with my depression made me super aware that when I was with my family that I was not acting like myself. (Or maybe this is just who I am now. If that's the case, I feel like I don't know myself at all anymore and I might as well be back to being 22 and a complete mess). This current version of me is extra quiet. I literally have nothing to say and cannot remember how to carry on a conversation. I have no range of emotions, at least when it comes to feeling excited, happy or joyful. It's hard to feel any of those things, even when I am finally doing something I've been wanting to do for a long time. Essentially I feel like I am just going through the motions. It's not great.

The day after the concert, Janice and kids took off by 8am to get back in time for some of the kids' school stuff, but I forced myself to linger in KC at bit longer since I had the day off of work.

By forced I mean I literally made myself stay in the city longer than my anxiety wanted me too. If my anxiety had its own way, I would've just hopped right in the car and left at 8am too. Instead, I walked a few blocks from the hotel to eat breakfast at a charming cafe called Mildred's and had a bangin breakfast sammie.

The shop was also across the street from the downtown KC library branch. So I did a quick drop-in because I love libraries so much.

I was about to head out when I realized that this antique store I follow on instagram (but had never been to) was only a few minutes away. So I forced myself to go there and I forced myself to take my time and find treasures. (I found some great stuff).

It's like forced family fun, but by yourself.

The thing with anxiety/depression is that, as Glennon Doyle said, "it makes me miss my own life." And that was very true this weekend. I was there but it wasn't until the whole thing was over and I was finally back home and slept more this week than I have in a long time that I am able to reflect on what a fun time it truly was. I just didn't experience it as that in real time.

(I feel like I should end this blog post by saying I am going to go to a psychiatrist in early December to hopefully get on some better meds. Here's hoping).