Big feelings in Illinois

 Illinois makes me feel my feelings.

I drove out to my brother's house in Morton, Illinois this past weekend. When I drove over the Missouri/Illinois border and my GSP announced "Welcome to Illinois," I felt like I could cry. It started with big emotions out of nowhere.

Let's back up a bit. 

My parents moved away from Illinois when I was about to start my senior year of college. And I realized, (during the pandemic when my brain had nothing to look forward to so it started looking back), that I maybe never really mourned the loss of my childhood home. Back in 2008, I was so ready for my roots in Illinois to be ripped up. I could not stop getting into complicated feelings and a fairly toxic relationship with my ex-boyfriend. And so the only way I could think of how to break this cycle was to physically never go back to Eureka. (Was that the healthiest? Nope. But it did worked). Also at this point, I was very connected to my Bluffton community and heading into a year of finals and finales. This is mainly where my emotional investment was focused at the time. Bidding farewell to Illinois did not feel like a big of deal compared to saying goodbye to Bluffton. After all, I had been saying goodbye to Illinois for three years already.

And then there was the fact that I loved Asheville (where my parents moved) so much. It was fun and exciting to be there. I was already on to the next thing. 

Turns out, feelings will fester if you literally never face them. Which is why I am sitting here, in Kansas, 35 years old, tearing up at the very idea of this lost place and the relationships I lost by "ripping up my roots" and never looking back. 

Well, I am looking back now and trying to do the work.

During this trip, I described my feelings to Levent as "aggressively nostalgic." Big waves of emotion kept hitting me at the weirdest times. 

It's odd too because my brother's family does not live in the same town I grew up in. But since it's the same area, things may look different but some things feel so achingly familiar. For example, the lush green grass in my brother's yard makes me think instantly of going barefoot as kids. (I don't do that anymore for many reasons but mainly because, unless you spend every moment of your life trying to care for your lawn, prairie grass is full of burs and dries up to a prickly brown by the end of summer). 

Morton might be different, but memories come flooding back. 

I spent Friday night with my BFF from high school, Kare, who happens to live conveniently down the street from my brother's house. We caught up while we listened to the playlist Kare had running featuring all our old high school jams. Nostalgic wave number 1.

Nostalgic wave 2: Janice and I went to Titus' band competition on Saturday evening. We went in time to see our old high school perform too. They were even wearing the same uniforms that the band got my senior year. Plus my old band director is still there. It was like stepping back in time. Moreover, the competition was in Washington, which was another neighboring town we went to a lot growing up. I don't think I had been back there since. It is so weird to go back to a place that looks, more or less, exactly the same, but you have changed a lot. Big feelings.

I wish I would've gotten the chance to say hi to Mr Stalter (but it was late and hectic after the competition. So I didn't really try). Band was such a huge part of my life in my formative years. I was reminded of the deep community that you build as a kid in school, especially with a group of friends who you've been playing music with for 8 years. 

Claire, Bethany and me - EHS drum majors circa 2004

I think that's what got me the most - the community. I have a very small community life in Kansas. Don't get me wrong I appreciate what I do have, but it's very tiny compared to growing up in a place for 18 years. I had tons of different communities in Illinois - youth group, band and other extra curricular activities, friend groups, family, church and neighbors. I felt loved in so many different ways. That is currently somewhat lacking from my adult life. And since it is very small, it is easy to long for a place that no longer exists, a place in time where my community was much larger. This is where I found myself last Saturday night watching marching bands.

That was a lot to process when I was not expecting it. Plus is was a pretty emotional weekend anyway. On Friday night, my brother had a seizer, something he hasn't had for 13 years at least. (He's fine). Even though I am family it did feel like a stressful weekend to be there as Aaron rested and all of us processed this scary thing that happens to him. So lots of feelings everywhere.

I was so glad I made the long drive to see everyone, but especially so I had the chance to see Titus perform in the marching band. (He plays the snare and crushes it). I am so proud of him. He's grown so much! It's amazing to see. It was also fun to hang with Mikaela and the twins too. 

I knew it was going to be a quick and crazy weekend but I want to make sure I see my brother's fam at least once a year. I never wanted to be the type of family who barely sees each other and lives so far away from one another. And yet here we are. It's hard. Big feelings hard. But I am determined to be a cool aunt and try and maintain relationships even from a distance.